These Joke's may offend so please carry on looking only if you are not easily offended and you are above the age of 18 New Government Seal
Official Announcement:
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
FINALLY,
THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING
FOR:
> >
Q: WHAT
ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A:
It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT
IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A:
It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down
under.'
Q: WHAT
DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Good year.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:
Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY
DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:
Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
Q: WHAT
IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A :
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his
nose.
'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'you're welcome.'
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Blazer .338 caliber sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.....and he's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.
'The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?" |
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A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.
The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Suzie responds-"I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!" The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"
The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says, "I know I know! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!" The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them."
Tommy says, "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!" |
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No Speakah De English. A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation, as Italians do. |
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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. |
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!"
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious... "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says
"Had him circumcised..." !!!
A Boy goes up to a police man & cries "i have lost my dad"
oh dear says the police man lets see if we can find him,"what's he like"??
"motorcycles ,beer & women with big breast's"
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... .
.
.
.
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
A BLOKE FROM BARNSLEY WAKES UP WITH A SORE ARSEHOLE,
HE GOES TO THE LOCAL SHOP & SAYS TO THE SHOP KEEPER,
"NAH THEN LAD, DOES THA SELL ARSE CREAM ?"
"AYE WE DO, DOES THA WANT A MAGNUM OR A CORNETTO ?"
one day, a long time ago in a land far far away,
there lived a woman who did not nag,whine or bitch.
but it was just one day & a fu***ng long time ago.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Deirdre,
i have never writen to you before,but i really need
your advice,
I ve suspected fpr some time now that my wife
has been cheating,
the usual signs phone rings & if i answer the caller hangs up,
going out with the girls a lot & when i ask the names,
its you dont know them,
i try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home
but i usually fall asleep,
anyway last night i stayed up & hid in the gararge behind
my motorbike so as to get a good view of the whole street
when she came home from her night out with the girls
when she got out of the car she was buttoning her blouse
which was open & she took her panties out of her purse
& sliped them on,it was at that moment as i crouched
behind my motorbike i noticed it,
a hairline crack where the fairing meets the tank,
is this somthing i can fix myself or should i take it
back to the shop ?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
an elderly british man of 83 arrived in paris,
at the french customs desk the man took a few minutes
to find his passport in his bag,
you have been to france before monieur?
the customs officer asked sarcastically
the man admited he had been to france before
then you should know enough to have your passport
ready.
the man said last time i was here i didnt have to
show it,
imposible the customs officer says the british
always have to show their passports on arrival
in france,
the man gave the customs officer a long look
then quietly says,
when i came ashore on D day in 1944 i could not
find any fu***ng french men to show it to
---------------------------------------------------------------------
a riddle
2 men at opposite sides of the world, both are thinking the exact same thing ?
one is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers,
the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman,
what are they both thinking ?......
.
dont look down, dont look down,dont look down
I've got a new voice activated car stereo. If i shout COUNTRY it plays Johnny Cash. If i shout ROCK it plays Guns n Roses. I was driving round yesterday and some little brat ran out in front of my car. I shouted F***ING KIDS and it started playing Gary Glitter.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over' The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
'What, he had two arseholes?!!' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes....'
~@~
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'
'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
~@~
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'
The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You Fu*king b*stard!!!'
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!'
~@~
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'
The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'
~@~
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice'? The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the dwarf.'
~@~
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag...'
'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' '
'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Factis I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Everytime I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.
just a thought ??
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No nude women
No car races
No football
No soccer
No golf
No tailgate parties
No K-Mart
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish or even frozen fish sticks
No nachos
No beer nuts
No Beer!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey,
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM
DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM
WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING
HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?!"
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS
OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER
MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE
DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING
IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING
TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING
A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE
COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."
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The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers,
'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's
breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they
are
like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how
many
types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his
willie
is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's
like
a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only.'
The Queen was visiting one of
wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she
passed a room where a male patient was wÃnking.
"Oh my", said the Queen, " that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry Your Majesty, but this
man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors
orders.
His body produces too much sperm and his testicles keep overfilling.
Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been
instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his
testicles will explode, and he would die instantly".
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a
room where a nubile young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my", said the Queen "What's happening in there?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, only he's with BUPA".
> > here? Of course you feel compelled to answer, though you have to answer in
> > front of total strangers in the lobby. Many times, your reason for being
> > there can be quite embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's
> > receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room
> > full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I
> > love the way this old guy handled it.
> >
> > An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
> > desk.... The receptionist! said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing doctor for
> > today?"
> >
> > "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
> >
> > The receptionist b ecame irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
> > crowded waiting room and say things like that."
> >
> > "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
> >
> > The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
> > room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
> > your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor
> > in private."
> >
> > The man replied , "you shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
> > strangers if the answers could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
> > waited several minutes and then re-entered.
> >
> > The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "yes??"
> >
> > "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
> >
> > The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> > advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir??"
> >
> > "I can't p*ss out of it," he replied.
> >
> > The waiting room erupted in laughter.
> >
> > The moral of the story is: If you mess with seniors, you're gonna lose
|
Have A Good Day!Why Condoms Come in Boxes of
A man walks into a drug store with his
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
"Why are there
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March........"
Boy playing with his train set and mum overhears him say,
“All you bastards getting off, fuck off, all you bastards getting on, fucking hurry up”
Mum sends him to bed and tells him to stay there for
When he plays in
“Those disembarking, have a nice day and mind the step, those boarding, enjoy your journey and those upset at the
A man goes up to the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention
disrespectful. What should I do?" "I've noticed this and have an idea
"if you're up to the task," said the minister."
Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is
sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.
When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
So, in church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the
sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.
And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the
congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off.
However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals.
Mr. Jones sharply poked his wife with the hat pin yet again as the
minister asked,
"And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his
Mrs. Jones screamed, "You stick that f*cking thing in me one more time
and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation
And she had 3 breasts.
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.
"How're things, Eve?" he asked.
"The sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts
you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches,
snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that
you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need
half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"
So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the
bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your
part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the
cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so
alone."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I
have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create
Man from a part of you!"
"Now, let's see ...... where did I put that useless tit?"
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
Pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The man doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the Sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead Will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the Conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into The
woods, does the deed, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
First try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, does the deed with each sheep twice for
good
Measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does
his Thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look Out
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
Lying in the grass.
No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
Beeping the horn."
The Best Chicken Joke Ever
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help.
The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z –3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the BMW, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented. Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought for a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you’re hung like a horse
You don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like . Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like . Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like . Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Emailed to us by Shelly Cooper
|
LIZARD BIRTHING |
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Susan had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She
informed Gerry that she suffered a disease that left her breasts
at he maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Gerry felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he also had a deformity too. Gerry looked Susan in the eyes and
said.."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an
infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your
infant size penis."
Susan and Gerry got married and they could not wait for the
Honeymoon. Gerry whisked Susan off to their hotel suite and they
started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Susan put
her hands in Gerry's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the
room!
Gerry ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98.
The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!
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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another whole year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has this huge stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for ? |
the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately
told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing
so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate
Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you
know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in
the first place."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,
"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of
course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed,
then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat
up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being
funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
WHICH CUP SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!
BE SURE TO GUESS BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN -
If this doesn't put a smile in your heart, nothing else will!
Guess what cup size ?
Okay, what did you guess?
The truth revealed..Scroll down
This kid's gonna hate his Mom for this some day!
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
THE RESPONSE
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated inorder to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
The Bird Feeder
I bought a bird feeder. I hung
it on my back porch and filled
it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder.
Within a
week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.
Then came the bird shit. It was
everywhere; on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table ...
everywhere!
Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.
And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ... quiet, serene
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.
Now let's see ....
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care, and free
education and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.
Then the illegals came by
the millions. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 or more families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by a doctor in an emergency room
because it is filled with illegals;
your child's 2nd grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.
Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than 'The Union Jack' are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.
Its just my opinion but:
maybe, just maybe,
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.
