These Joke's may offend so please carry on looking only if you are not easily offended and you are above the age of 18 Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Factis I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Everytime I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted.
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM
DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM
WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING
HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?!"
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS
OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER
MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE
DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING
IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING
TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING
A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE
COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."
|
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers,
'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's
breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they
are
like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how
many
types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his
willie
is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's
like
a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only.'
The Queen was visiting one of
wanted to see absolutely everything. During her tour of the floors she
passed a room where a male patient was wÃnking.
"Oh my", said the Queen, " that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of
this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry Your Majesty, but this
man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors
orders.
His body produces too much sperm and his testicles keep overfilling.
Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been
instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his
testicles will explode, and he would die instantly".
"Oh, I am so sorry", said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a
room where a nubile young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my", said the Queen "What's happening in there?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, only he's with BUPA".
> > here? Of course you feel compelled to answer, though you have to answer in
> > front of total strangers in the lobby. Many times, your reason for being
> > there can be quite embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's
> > receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room
> > full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I
> > love the way this old guy handled it.
> >
> > An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
> > desk.... The receptionist! said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing doctor for
> > today?"
> >
> > "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
> >
> > The receptionist b ecame irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
> > crowded waiting room and say things like that."
> >
> > "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
> >
> > The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
> > room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
> > your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor
> > in private."
> >
> > The man replied , "you shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
> > strangers if the answers could embarrass anyone. The man walked out,
> > waited several minutes and then re-entered.
> >
> > The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "yes??"
> >
> > "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
> >
> > The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> > advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir??"
> >
> > "I can't p*ss out of it," he replied.
> >
> > The waiting room erupted in laughter.
> >
> > The moral of the story is: If you mess with seniors, you're gonna lose
|
Have A Good Day!Why Condoms Come in Boxes of
A man walks into a drug store with his
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
"Why are there
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March........"
Boy playing with his train set and mum overhears him say,
“All you bastards getting off, fuck off, all you bastards getting on, fucking hurry up”
Mum sends him to bed and tells him to stay there for
When he plays in
“Those disembarking, have a nice day and mind the step, those boarding, enjoy your journey and those upset at the
A man goes up to the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention
disrespectful. What should I do?" "I've noticed this and have an idea
"if you're up to the task," said the minister."
Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is
sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.
When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
So, in church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the
sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.
And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the
congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off.
However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals.
Mr. Jones sharply poked his wife with the hat pin yet again as the
minister asked,
"And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his
Mrs. Jones screamed, "You stick that f*cking thing in me one more time
and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation
And she had 3 breasts.
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.
"How're things, Eve?" he asked.
"The sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts
you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches,
snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that
you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need
half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"
So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the
bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your
part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the
cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so
alone."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I
have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create
Man from a part of you!"
"Now, let's see ...... where did I put that useless tit?"
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
Pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The man doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the Sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead Will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the Conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into The
woods, does the deed, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
First try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, does the deed with each sheep twice for
good
Measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does
his Thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look Out
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
Lying in the grass.
No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
Beeping the horn."
The Best Chicken Joke Ever
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse both of whom loved to play together. One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help.
The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z –3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the BMW, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented. Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought for a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you’re hung like a horse
You don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like . Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like . Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like . Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like . Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Emailed to us by Shelly Cooper
|
LIZARD BIRTHING |
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Susan had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She
informed Gerry that she suffered a disease that left her breasts
at he maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Gerry felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he also had a deformity too. Gerry looked Susan in the eyes and
said.."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an
infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your
infant size penis."
Susan and Gerry got married and they could not wait for the
Honeymoon. Gerry whisked Susan off to their hotel suite and they
started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Susan put
her hands in Gerry's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the
room!
Gerry ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Yes, it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50
and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98.
The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA!
|
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another whole year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has this huge stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for ? |
the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately
told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing
so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate
Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you
know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in
the first place."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,
"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of
course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed,
then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat
up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being
funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
WHICH CUP SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!
BE SURE TO GUESS BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN -
If this doesn't put a smile in your heart, nothing else will!
Guess what cup size ?
Okay, what did you guess?
The truth revealed..Scroll down
This kid's gonna hate his Mom for this some day!
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
THE RESPONSE
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated inorder to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina