How do they do this?
--------
PLEASE FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS.
1. GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE :
2. WRITE YOUR FIRST NAME IN THE 1st LINE.
3. WRITE YOUR FAMILY NAME in the 2nd .!!! No need to write your e.mail address.
4. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.
Unbelievable. Can you explain how this is done?
I believe he bought her a plane as part of the settlement.
She said "Its very noice but I'll still be using Immac on my other leg."
It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.
Personally, I think it's prosthetic.
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs. Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like it’s easy to walk out on a relationship like this"
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "He would get home at night and find her legless"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"
Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river
These jokes are funny but let’s spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.
He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Irish Burial at Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea
when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After awhile Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well ... is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?''
"Aye it 'tis, hand me dat shovel."
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh ! t he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again, to be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. To make sure the whisky is still OK, consume three or four more slurps.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of fried druit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Wink more Drisky. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
< /I> ; ;
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
AN ELDERLY COUPLE WERE ATTENDING CHURCH,
ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE SERVICE THE OLD WOMAN LEANS OVER & SAYS
TO HER HUSBAND, "I JUST LET OUT A SILENT FART,WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO ?"
HE REPLIES PUT A NEW BATTERY IN YOUR HEARING AID,
AN OLD LADY FELT HER BODY WAS TOTALY OUT OF SHAPE,
SO SHE GOT HER DOCTERS PERMISSION TO JOIN A FITNESS CLUB & START EXERCISING.
SHE DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS,
SHE BENT,TWISTED,GYRATED,JUMPED UP & DOWN & PERSPIRED FOR AN HOUR,
BUT BY THE TIME SHE GOT HER LEOTARD ON THE CLASS WAS OVER.
Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to
the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts
screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is
ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never
be the same again!"
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn
off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in horror ........
"F***ING HELL !" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it into half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered .......
(Continue below - This is great)
"THE TEETH!"
|
An
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained... "Well Doc, it's like this...first I tried with my right hand and nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then with an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between
her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
Also, help me to be more careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow
Help me to always give 100 % at work…
and
And help me to remember……..
When I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks,
"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on
her level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and whispers... "I don't weewy fink my pyfon gives a phuk."
The paomnnehel pweor of the hmuan mnid
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt thing is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
Bad Attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's Mouth Was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
Saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could Think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
Yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, Grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed.
Then, Suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over
a Minute. Fearing that he'd harmed the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the Freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched arms And Said, "I believe I may have offended you with
my rude language and Actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
Intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
Behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
About to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
Behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY on the tenth floor....*
>
>
> YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING......* *(not that you would..)*
>
>
> AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM.... *
>
>
> You open the door.. .. **
>
> NOW, REMEMBER,* *THE FLOOR IS JUST* *! A PAINTED FLOOR!**
>
>
>
> KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....* *DOESN'T IT?*
>
>
> Scroll slowly.....
>
>
> This would mess your mind up!
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
'Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with
the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the
helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
>>
>> Actual writings taken from hospital charts:
>>
>>
>> 1. The patient refused autopsy.
>>
>> 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
>>
>> 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
>>
>> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
>> she was very hot in bed last night.
>>
>> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over
>> a year.
>>
>> 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day
>> it disappeared.
>>
>> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
>> appears to be depressed.
>>
>> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
>> 1993.
>>
>> 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
>>
>> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert
>> but forgetful.
>>
>> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
>>
>> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
>>
>> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
>>
>> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
>>
>> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
>>
>> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive
>>
>> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
>>
>> 18 She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
>> life, until she got a divorce.
>>
>> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
>> physical therapy.
>>
>> 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
>> accommodation.
>>
>> 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>>
>> 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>>
>> 23 Skin: somewhat pale but present.
>>
>> 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
>>
>> 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
>> abnormalities.
Arn`t children so sweet and innocent
Should children witness child birth? Good question. Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"
Emailed to us by Shelly Cooper
A good chuckle ……..
A young farm lad from Innaminka goes off to college, but about one third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with £1,000" the boy says "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the £1,000.
About two thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send £2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room sitting back in the recliner, reading the financial Section in The Age, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little redhead who works in the pub in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b#!@!! before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer)
One for the ladies
One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
---------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.