Check out this for some more jokes http://www.freewebs.com/teamsobermcc/

 

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
 

 

DEA officer stops at a ranch in  Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
 
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... 

 

 
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your badge.. Show him your BADGE ! "

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Tracey and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up she jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Tracey, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.


At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knock's on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Tracey, and you are losing some of your load! When the light turns green, the trucker rev's up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a fucking gritter!"

We went to breakfast at a  restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon,  hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my  wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to  charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering  a la carte,' the waitress  warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not  taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.  

'YES!!' stated the  waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife  said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress  asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my  wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked  a cake.

            DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!  

 WE'VE been  around the block more  than once!  

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?      Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  now how did he do that    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says        No kidding, really? Ya think?  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers          Now that's taking things a bit far!    -----------------------------------------------------------  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over          What a guy!    ---------------------------------------------------------------   Miners Refuse to Work after Death   The-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  ------------------------------------------------------   Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   See if that works any better than a fair trial!    ----------------------------------------------------------  War Dims Hope for Peace    I can see where it might have that effect!   ----------------------------------------------------------------   If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile     Ya think?!  -----------------------------------------------------------------------   Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures         Who would have thought!   ----------------------------------------------------------------  Enfield (  London  ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide    They may be on to something!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges         You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?     ----------------------------------------------------------  Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge        He probably IS the battery charge!  ----------------------------------------------   New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   Weren't they fat enough?!  -----------------------------------------------    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   That's what he gets for eating those beans!   -------------------------------------------------   Kids Make Nutritious Snacks          Do they taste like chicken? ****************************************      Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half          Chainsaw Massacre all over again!   ***************************************************  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors          Boy, are they tall!   *******************************************   And the winner is....   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead           Did I read that right?  ***************************************************

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

What Starts with F and ends with K 
 
 
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.  The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
 
 
 
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.  My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should  be in the 3rd grade too!'
 
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.  The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.  If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.  She agreed.
 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
 
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
 
Harry: '9.'
 
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
 
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
 
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
 
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
 
The principal and Harry both agreed.
 
Ms . Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
 
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
 
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
 
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
 
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
 
Harry: 'Pants.'
 
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
 
Harry: 'Coconut.'
 
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
 
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
 
The principal was trembling.
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
 
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
 
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

If Tommy Cooper were alive today  
 
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
 

POLITICALLY CORRECT - YOU BET

Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a
time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The both decide to test
it by asking a question each. Barak goes first

 

"What will the USA be like in 100 years
time"

 

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout,
he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president,
crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There
are no worries"

 

Gordon Brown thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of
that" so he asks "What will Britain be like in 100 years
time?"

 

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.

 

"Come on Gordon" says Barak, "Share what it says"

 

"I can't! Its all in Arabic!" 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts.. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.

A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"

The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'

"What's it say?" asks the bartender.

The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.

One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?

"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."

The man says, "Ok!"

They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright.

Sure enough, the light changes and THEY'RE OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the corvette lost.

Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'corvette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."

"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops.

The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

i was surprised & delighted when an old girlfriend called out of the blue,

she was a real wild  thing & stunning to look at & a great lover,

my heart raced when she asked if we could meet up,

i warned her my waistline had grown & i wasnt the hunk i once was

she giggled & told me she'd also put on the odd pound or two,

so i told her to get lost

paddy asks murphy, why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards??

to which murphy replys,are you thick paddy if they fell forwards

 

they would still be on the boat

ive just come out of the chippy,

eating a pie large fish & chips & mushypeas

a tramp sat on the floor outside said i have had nothing to eat for 2 days,

i said i wish i had your willpower,

Henry goes to the doctor's surgery to collect his wife Sarah’s test results.
The receptionist tells him, "I'm sorry, but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" says Henry.
"Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is which."
"That's terrible," says Henry, "can you do the test again?"
"Normally, yes. But your private medical insurance policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" says Henry.
The receptionist replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

An Irishman and a Scotsman enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill.
"I'll Pay!" shouts McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the headline in the Times newspaper reads, "Irish ventriloquist found murdered in alley."

how about these products???

ass glue                   chinese glue

ban cock                  indian cockroach repellent

cat wetty                  japanese  moistened hand towels

colon plus               spanish detergent

creap creamy powder            japanese coffee creamer

crundy                                  japanese gourmet candy

homo sausage                       east asian fish sausage

hornyphon                               austrian video recorder

i'm dripper                                 japanese instant coffee

last climax                              japanese tissues

libido                                 chinese soda

my fanny                           japanese toilet paper

pipi                             yugoslavian orange drink

pocari sweat                   japanese sport drink

polio                        czechoslovakian laundry detergent

shitto                        ghanean pepper sauce

superglans                  netherlands car wax

swine                            chinese chocolates

black boy                   norwegan pepper

a china man goes for a job on a building site, can you lay bricks? asks the forman

no says the china man,   can you paint? no says the china man.  can you plaster ?  no says the china man,

ok says the forman you can work in supplies,

3 months later the forman is walking around the site, has anyone seen that china man we took on a few months ago, he asks,

just then the china man jumps out from behind some boxes & shouts,  SUPLISE

A TORTOISE GOES TO A POLICE STATION TO REPORT  BEING MUGGED BY 3 SNAILS,

"WHAT HAPPENED" SAYS THE POLICE MAN.

I DONT KNOW SAYS THE TORTOISE IT WAS ALL SO QUICK,

 

A TORTOISE KNOCKS ON  THE DOOR OF THIS BIG HOUSE IN THE WINTER,

A GRUFF OLD BLOKE ANSWERS THE DOOR ,WHAT DO YOU WANT?, HE SAYS

 PLEASE SIR I AM SO COLD  CAN I COME IN & WARM MY SELF BY YOUR FIRE,

 CERTAINLY NOT SAYS THE MAN & KICKS THE TORTOISE TO THE END OF THE GARDEN,

NEXT SPRING THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR & THE SAME MAN ANSWERS IT

YES? HE SAYS,

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR ? SAYS THE TORTOISE

BE A FIRST...SCOUSER PAYING OUT !!

 5 minute management course

 

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh ! t he always was."

 

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

 

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

AN ELDERLY COUPLE WERE ATTENDING CHURCH,

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE SERVICE THE OLD WOMAN  LEANS OVER & SAYS

TO HER HUSBAND,  "I JUST LET OUT A SILENT FART,WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO ?"

HE REPLIES PUT A NEW BATTERY IN YOUR HEARING AID,

AN OLD LADY FELT HER BODY WAS TOTALY OUT OF SHAPE,

SO SHE GOT HER DOCTERS PERMISSION TO JOIN A FITNESS CLUB & START EXERCISING.

SHE DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS,

SHE BENT,TWISTED,GYRATED,JUMPED UP & DOWN & PERSPIRED FOR AN HOUR,

BUT BY THE TIME SHE GOT HER LEOTARD ON THE CLASS WAS OVER.

Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to

the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts

screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is

ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never

be the same again!"

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says.

"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice

anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn

off when the truck hit you."

The Londoner looks down in horror ........

"F***ING HELL !" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."

The  sharing of marriage...

The  old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a  drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut  it into half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He  then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into  two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.  

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then  set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of  hamburger, the people around them were looking over and  whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old  couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of  them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came  to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old  couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to  sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady  hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and  occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the  young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal  for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used  to sharing everything."

Finally, as  the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the  napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who  had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are  waiting for?"

She answered  .......


(Continue  below - This is great)














"THE  TEETH!"

There were two nuns..   One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),   and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).   It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.   SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for   the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.   SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.   SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes   at the most! What can we do?   SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.   SM: It's not working.   SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only   logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.   SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.   SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and  I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.   So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is   worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.   Then Sister Logical arrives.   SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!   Tell me what happened!   SL: The only logical thing happened.  The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me   SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?   SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run   as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.   SM: And?   SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.   SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?   SL : The only logical thing to do.  I lifted my dress up.   SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?   SL: The only logical thing to do.  He pulled down his pants.   SM: Oh, no! What happened then?   SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.   And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,   Say two Hail Marys!

5 CASES WHEN IT IS OK TO USE THE "F" WORD

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

 The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

 The doctor asked what happened and the man explained... "Well Doc, it's like this...first I tried with my right hand and nothing. 

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. 

She tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

  We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then with an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between
 her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

 

 

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

 

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

 

Also, help me to be more careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow

 

Help me to always give 100% at work…

 

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

and 5% on Friday

 

And help me to remember……..

 

When I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, but only 4 to extend my arm and smack them in the mouth

The old man replied, "Yes . None of us could get the jar open , I'm afraid ".

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks,

"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

 

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on

her level, and says,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,

leans forward and whispers... "I don't weewy fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

The paomnnehel pweor of the hmuan mnid
 
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt thing is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Ptetry amzanig huh?

The Parrot

       A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.  The parrot had a 
       Bad Attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word out of the 
       bird's Mouth Was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 
          John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently 
       Saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he 
       could Think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. 
           Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot 
       Yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and 
       ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, Grabbed the bird and 
       put him in the freezer. 
           For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed. 
       Then, Suddenly, there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for over 
       a Minute. Fearing that he'd harmed the parrot, John quickly opened 
       the door to the Freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's 
       outstretched arms And Said, "I believe I may have offended you with 
       my rude language and Actions. 
       I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully 
       Intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable 
       Behaviour." 
           John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.  As he was 
       About to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his 
       Behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY on the tenth floor....*
>
>
> YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING......* *(not that you would..)*
>
>
> AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM.... *
>
>
> You open the door.. .. **
>
> NOW, REMEMBER,* *THE FLOOR IS JUST* *! A PAINTED FLOOR!**
>
>
>
> KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....* *DOESN'T IT?*
>
>
> Scroll slowly.....
>
>
> This would mess your mind up!

 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in

sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,

he dialed the employee's home phone number and was

greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

'Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss

asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss

asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with

the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through

the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the

helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they

searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS:
>>
>> Actual writings taken from hospital charts:
>>
>>
>> 1. The patient refused autopsy.
>>
>> 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
>>
>> 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
>>
>> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
>> she was very hot in bed last night.
>>
>> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over
>> a year.
>>
>> 6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day
>> it disappeared.
>>
>> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
>> appears to be depressed.
>>
>> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
>> 1993.
>>
>> 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
>>
>> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert
>> but forgetful.
>>
>> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
>>
>> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
>>
>> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
>>
>> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
>>
>> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
>>
>> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive
>>
>> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
>>
>> 18 She stated that she had been constipated for most of her
>> life, until she got a divorce.
>>
>> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
>> physical therapy.
>>
>> 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
>> accommodation.
>>
>> 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>>
>> 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>>
>> 23 Skin: somewhat pale but present.
>>
>> 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
>>
>> 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
>> abnormalities.

Arn`t children so sweet and innocent

Should children witness child birth? Good question. Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"

Emailed to us by Shelly Cooper 

A good chuckle ……..

 

A young farm lad from Innaminka goes off to college, but about one third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Melbourne University that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with £1,000" the boy says "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the £1,000.

About two thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send £2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room sitting back in the recliner, reading the financial Section in The Age, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little redhead who works in the pub in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b#!@!! before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer)    

One for the ladies

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " Southampton University "

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

---------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

--------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practising to be men.  

---------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

---------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his shoulder. He says to the bartender, "A double whisky for me and,"  pointing to the lizard, "half a pint of Guinness for Tiny here."  "Why do you call him Tiny?"  asks the bartender.  The man answers,  "Because he's my newt." 

A man nervously suggests to his missus, "Darling, would you like to try swapping positions tonight?" "Great idea," she replies. "You stand in the corner doing the ironing while I sit on the sofa and fart."

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"  He
slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not!  It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding
rain.  He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were  five pence pieces in the bowl."                                           "That night," she went on, "I went again,  plink-plink-plink, and there were  twenty pence pieces and this morning there were  fifties! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~ (Ready for this?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ (I'm warning you.....) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~ (Still not too late....delete now!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~ "You're simply going through the change!

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT



A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him
why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation.



"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," 
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young
people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed 
processing
.....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.



The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young........so we invented them.
Now, you arrogant little sh#t, what are you doing for the next generation?"



The applause was resounding...

 

 

 

 

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then

   I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one

   and asked him to forgive me.

 

   I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife

   to   go   swimming.

 

   I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I

   don't   get   on with my real ladder.

 

   I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I

   ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

 

   My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is

   probably why   he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

 

   Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,

   you'd better have a good hand.

 

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My

   neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should

   be enough.'

 

   If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out

   of meat?

 

 

   Peter Kay's questions:

 

   Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get

   undressed?

 

   Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

   Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

   Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for

   centuries' have a 'use by' date?

 

   Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a

   horrible crisp no one would eat?

 

   Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll

 

   squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

 

   Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

 

   If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

   Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

 

   Peter Kay's Universal Truths:

 

   At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

 

   One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when

   your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete

   stranger.

 

   You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to

   have   a   fire in your back garden.

 

   You never know where to look when eating a banana.

 

   Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

 

   Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy

   ball.

 

   You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

 

   Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

 

   Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half

   way through and then raced against the flush.

 

   Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

 

   Old ladies can eat more than you think.

 

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting

   it   in   a fruit salad

 

   Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had

   their arm broken by a swan.

The National Roads Safety Council has done
Extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results
Show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45%
When the belt is properly installed.




Correct installation is illustrated below.......  
 
  

This is very Important, please pass onto friends and family . THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

 

A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS
>
>
>
> A son asked his mother the following question:
>
> "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
>
> The mother looks at her son and replies,
>
> "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
> bride is pure."
>
> The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this
> with his father.
>
> "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
>
> The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
>
> "Son, all household appliances come in white."

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says "She got in
the back-seat by mistake."

_______________

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
______________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few
moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he
reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily,
he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?"
she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________

FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

 

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

 

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the  news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is  you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond  to a crisis by jumping

in and saving the life of another patient,I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

 

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his
bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

 

 

> >   TEST
> >
> >   This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.
> >   Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
> >   Without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
> >
> >   1. This is this cat
> >   2. This is is cat
> >   3. This is how cat
> >   4. This is to cat
> >   5. This is keep cat
> >   6. This is an cat
> >   7. This is old cat
> >   8. This is fart cat
> >   9. This is busy cat
> >   10. This is for cat
> >   11. This is forty cat
> >   12. This is seconds cat
> >
> >
> >   Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign
it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."

 One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy 
nightie.
 "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
 
So he tied her up and went golfing.
 
**************************************************
 
 
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
 
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
 
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
 
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
 
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
 
**************************************************
 
 
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
 
other is a husband.
 
**************************************************
 
 
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
 
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card
 
with the letters:
 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
 
 
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
 
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
 
**************************************************
 
 
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell
 
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
 
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
 
**************************************************
 
 
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
 
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
 
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
 
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
 
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
 
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
 
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
 
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
 
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
 
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
 
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
 
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
 
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
 
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
 
what it feels like when I'm driving."
 
**************************************************
 
 
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
 was drafted by the Army.
 
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
 
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
 
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
 
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the

nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed

on the long corridors. Because she and her fellow residents are one

sandwich short of a picnic, they all tolerate each other, some of the 

males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and 

Mad Mike

stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and

held it up to him. "OK" he said,and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she

took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, 

Weird William 

popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"  

Ethel

dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him.

Willam nodded and said, "Carry on, maam."

 As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, 

Bonkers Brian

stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for his age) 

erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"

Tired of getting stuck in slow moving traffic?
Want to have your own lane on the M1/M50/M25?
Simple, tie these balloons to the rear of your car.
Belt it down the M1 (or any other road you wish to drive fast) and watch the car
driver's freak out and simply get out of your way! When you get stopped by the
police, tell them you thought they were real!

 

 

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.  She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

 

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.  The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

 

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

 

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.  Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

What's the similarity between students and sperm?

Only on in a million works.

 

A man and his wife walk into a dentist's office. The man says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry! I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth. We have a 10am tee-off at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already!" The dentist thinks to himself, "My goodness, this is a brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So he asks, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth, darling, and show him."

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

 

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

A Rough Lie

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are out playing golf with their partners. The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows up her skirt and reveals her lack of underwear.   “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband cries. “You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any!” she replies. So the Englishman reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s £50. Now go and buy yourself some underwear.” Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary,  woman! You’ve no knickers!” bellows her husband. “I can’t afford any undies on the money you give me,” she replies. “For the sake of decency, here’s £20,” he says. “Buy yourself some underwear!” Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also blows up her skirt, revealing that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?”  “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd an!” she retorts. So the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love o’ decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit, will ya?”

for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he  stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

 

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart.

 

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

 

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

 

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

 

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

 

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

 

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey runs around before grabbing some olives off the bar and eating them. Next he eats a sliced lime, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The barman yells, "Did you see what your monkey did?" "No, what?" replies the man "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole." "That doesn't surprise me," replies the owner. "He eats everything in sight, the twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks later, he returns with his monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a cocktail cherry on the bar. He sticks it up his bottom, pulls it out and eats it. The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "What?" says the drinker. "He stuck a cocktail cherry up his bottom, then pulled it out and ate it." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me at all," replies the man. "The little sod still eats everything he claps his eyes on, but since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

An old man is sitting in his boat fishing when he hears a voice say, “Pick me up.” He looks around and doesn’t see anyone. He thinks he is dreaming when he hears the voice say again, “Pick me up.” He looks into the water and there, floating on the top, is a frog. The old man says, “Are you talking to me?” The frog replies, “Yes, I’m talking to you! Pick me up then kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. I’ll then give you more sexual pleasure than you could ever dream of.” The man looks at the frog for a short time, reaches over, picks it up carefully and places it in his front breast pocket. The frog says, “What, are you nuts? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasure like you’ve never experienced.” The old fella opens his pocket, looks down at his new friend and says, “Nahhh, at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”

 

 

 

TWO KIWIS, Murray and Ewan, are out walking in the country one night when one points out a clump of trees. “That’s where I had sex for the first time,” Murray says. “We made love while her mother stood nearby and watched over us.” Shocked, Ewan says, “Did her mother say anything?” Murray replies, “Yeah, Baaaaa.”

 

 

 

A woman takes her lover home while her husband is at work. Her eight-year-old son comes home without warning and, upon seeing the couple, hides in the cupboard. Shortly afterwards, the woman’s husband comes home unexpectedly. She quickly pushes her lover into the cupboard too. “Dark in here,” the boy says. “Yes it is,” the man replies. “That’s my dad outside,” says the kid. “You want to buy my cricket bat for £200?” Realising he’s being blackmailed but without much choice, the man opens up his wallet and hands over the cash. Two weeks later, the same situation occurs. The two are in the cupboard. “Dark in here,” says the boy. “Yes, it is,” the man replies. “That sounds like my dad again. Want to buy my football from me? £300.” Again, the man reluctantly opens his wallet and hands over the cash. Days later the boy’s dad asks his son if he wants to play cricket or football. “I can’t.” replies the boy. “I sold them both for £500.” “You’re conning your friends!” shouts the dad angrily. “I’m taking you to confession.” They arrive at the church and the boy steps into the confessional. “Dark in here,” says the boy. “Don’t start that again,” says the priest.

 

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
 Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
 Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
 Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
 And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.     

 

 WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman  wished to purchase.
 As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a  remote control for a television set in her purse.
 "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
 "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping  with me,
and I figured this was the most  I could do to him legally."     

 

 UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
 
 I know I'm not going to understand women.
 I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
 pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
 and still be afraid of a spider.    

 

 MARRIAGE SEMINAR

 While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
 Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
 "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and  dislikes."
 He addressed the man,
 "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
 Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's  Pillsbury, isn't it?    

 

 CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

 A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
 The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
 He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
 She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls  and a ball of string on the counter.
 She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons  for your wife?
 He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday,  I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause  it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
 So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
 (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)    

 

 WIFE VS. HUSBAND

 A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
 neither of them wanted to concede their position.
 As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
 the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
 "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."    

 

 WORDS

 A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a  day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
 The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat  everything to men...
 The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"     

 

CREATION

 A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
 so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
 "The wife  responded, "Allow me to explain.
 God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
 God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!    

 

 WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
 should brew the coffee each morning.
 The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
 and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
 The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
 you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my  coffee."
 Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible  that the man should do the coffee."
 Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
 So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several  pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"     

 

 The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
 and were giving each other the silent treatment.
 Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to  wake him
 at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
 Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a  piece of paper,
 "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left  it where he knew she would find it.
 The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he  had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and! see why his wife  hadn't wakened him,
 when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
 The paper said, "It is 5:0 0 AM. Wake up."
 Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.   

 

 God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft  before the masterpiece.    

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose.  A young, student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm
only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his
manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong
with them sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much, that was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

 A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10million...."Woooohooo!!!!
That's great sweetie" she replies. "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?" "Who cares", he replies, "Just f--- off!"



A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop; the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do? "Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."



A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze"... "What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence; we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there so, instead of saying,’ I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh ', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' so she socked me a good one.” The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."

Phone Tale:
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***

***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning